Shaking it up at JFK

Have you ever noticed how things seem new and different when you’re leaving home for some other destination? I mean the normal things, like the sound of coffee brewing, or the way the early morning light glows on the back porch look different, sound different, smell different. It feels somehow that you’ve already started down a new and unfamiliar road. That’s how I felt this morning. My own home felt a little foreign. I had a keen awareness that normally I achieve with a great yoga practice or meditation. It’s that attention that I strive for in my life. Perhaps I need to head into the unknown to really see the familiar and appreciate it.

The virtually empty highways that lead to JFK Airport and the sleepiness, yes sleepiness, of the airport itself was completely foreign. Normally I dread the drive to JFK more than I dread a long flight. It’s overwhelming especially to someone like me who, I believe, has a slight case of agoraphobia. My ability to filter stimuli is pretty much shot so everything going on around me comes in at the same frequency making it not only difficult to hold a conversation even in a small gathering, but to physically and cognitively navigate. I spend so much time in my bedroom debilitated by fatigue and pain that when I do get out I go into sensory overload. My room is my refuge, the buffer between me and the rest of the world.

One would wonder if things are so difficult what the hell am I doing sitting at gate A6 waiting to board my Emirates flight. The first leg to Dubai is 12 hours, then 2 hours in Dubai, then on to Kuala Lumpur with a 6-hour flight. And the length of the flight isn’t even as bad considering the cognitive meltdowns I have when there is a lot going on around me and I have to navigate through the maze of checking in and security. I was doing pretty well until I got to the desolate security check. Even though there was literally no one else there besides an Indian woman who breezed right through. My brain has lost the ability to organize in my brain. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. One may question, “what’s there to organize?” Think about all the machinations of an airport security check and the tough New York security officers who man the scanner. By the time I was walking through the scanner my body fell into these scary convulsive tremors that I get. It’s embarrassing but mostly frustrating. With the help of my physical therapy doctor and my hippo therapist I have learned some techniques to trick my nerves into calming down. People think I’m either super cold or super nervous. Although I know some of the triggers that cause these violent tremors it’s impossible to completely avoid them. Out of a little rush of uncertainty mixed with a touch of embarrassment I commented to one of the pretty young female officers how crazy is it that I think I can take this long trip alone (said as I dropped my passport for seemingly the hundredth time). She glanced at my jerking body and asked with reluctant gentleness, are you nervous? Then my standard explanation followed a little spoken, a little mumbled but the smile never leaving my face. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that people get very uncomfortable with physical abnormalities. After dropping my wallet which left crisp large bills floating to the floor, knocking my carryon over half a dozen times and awkwardly juggling my cane, my rather large ‘purse”, a coffee and the handle to my little rolling stow- away luggage (I wish I could have I picture of that...so I can burn it) I landed here in my perch in a thankfully quiet gate waiting area. A seat, my coffee and CNN on the TV’s –what more can a rattled solo traveler ask for?

I close my eyes and whole-heartedly give thanks for this most welcome reprieve. I take a slow deep breath and let my slow cooling exhale wash away my fears and anxiety that perhaps I made the wrong decision and the embarrassment of my fumbling my way through the terminal. I reaffirm that this is a good thing. It’s good that I am doing this for myself – nurturing my mind, body and spirit (to use a much overworked phrase). I felt my whole self smile as I opened my eyes and let back in the crisp, bright January morning.

Time to board.