Would I have set out, first mentally, then physically on this exploration that is more of an inward journey than one of miles and sightseeing, if I didn’t suffer from M.S.? If this dastardly disease, Multiple Sclerosis, has forced me out of the daily rat race and lead me to my own personal quest to seek–instead of money, status and material advancement–my own balance, then it is a blessing not a curse. I was angry for so long about all that I was missing and something finally clicked. My focus and my energy has been switched away from thinking about illness, treatments, a gloomy future and all that I am missing, to the assets and blessings I have and the bright limitless future that lies ahead of me. I’m not being a Pollyanna, thinking that every moment will be ecstatic from here on out, but at least I have my eye on the road rolling out before me with twists and turns that hold surprises. If suffering from M.S. taught me to a find place where I can live a full and productive life in body, mind and spirit–like a strict teacher determined to teach an important lesson–then am I really suffering?
Yet, I am not in my real life here. I’m still doing the online banking, proofreading essays, and assuaging the small daily hurts of a little nine year old. I’m still a mom, even from here, nonetheless, I am not faced with the daily stressors of running a household and a family. I am well aware that I am on a retreat here. I don’t want to set myself up for a “post-retreat-crash”, which is what I call the blues one gets after attending a yoga/meditation/self-discovery retreat where there’s some attainment of enlightenment and inner peace. Re-entry into the real world abruptly challenges the newly earned insight until finally there’s a type of culture shock and then a crash leaving the poor enlightened one right where she started: same life, same problems. But I feel in my current situation, the geographical distance, the cultural differences and the space for me to breathe and think is leading me to the best place in the universe, myself! One is only as balanced in this world as one is balanced with herself.
I’ve been fortunate enough to explore religions and lifestyles here. With such a culturally diverse population, what better place is there to explore faiths than Malaysia. I’m not looking for a religion, even though I’m disillusioned with the Catholic church. But I am nurturing my Spirit. We Americans take our Spirit and spirituality lightly for the most part. These days the eastern religions and philosophies are fads in the west. Put a Buddha in your living room and you’re good. Go to a yoga class and you’re uber hip. I’m not talking about ‘Religion’. In my opinion, religions at their core are a cultural interpretation of the same quest or the same things in life–Peace, Love and Compassion. Spirituality, on the other hand, is a part of us. Fortunately, my neurologist, Dr. Sadiq believes in treating the whole patient, body, mind and spirit and not only sanctioned this trip, but heartily encouraged it. We’re all searching outside of ourselves for a panacea to our life’s ills. Where we should be looking is inside. I’m learning this more than ever. I’ve had some switches flip in my heart and mind and I feel my spirit healing. My body and it’s deficiencies are now a nuisance more than anything. I know there will be exacerbations that will challenge my spiritual awakening that is in it’s infancy, but I’ll face that challenge, hopefully with as much grace as possible. Now I see that Multiple Sclerosis, a tongue twister of a name, is not me. It’s not even a part of me. It’s just a bothersome challenge that teaches me not to get caught up in the banalities of life and reminds me to be grateful for who I am.
Now that you have been in retreat for a month and a half? Are you more in touch with your reality?
ReplyDeleteThe answer to the question on life that makes you truly you is: Who ARE you when the reality of life and "all" of its natural and inevitable burdens embrace you? In our most painful moments, and our most tremulous hours, that is when our true inner character shines through raw and unedited.
Have you really changed, or has the level and magnitude of elation blinded you to the true question which has yet to be addressed?
Learning to accept life for all its good and bad and all the challenges one is constantly being bombarded with out fail is, to me true enlightenment. The hardest thing in enlightening ones self, in my opinion, is to find peace in absence of that which we desire. What we need to survive is necessity. What we desire outside of ourselves is like a potato chip. No one can only eat one. Everyone likes them. We are all in a happy state while eating them, they are usually served during our best parties, yet there is always the result of too much of something good....A bad heart, poor health, extra pounds and ..........well.........
The most enlightened people on the earth are the people with the most devastating and heart breaking situations that most of us cringe to think about, and yet they find joy in seconds and moments that are found in their isolation and devastation. How do they do it? It seems to me,they appreciate what really matters. They find joy in their loved ones and being able to share the day, the moment, the second that they can even though the horrors of their relality are devouring them. The idea of being in a loving state with those that they love and those that love them is everything to them from what I have observed. I sometimes wonder has ones life path been given by chance, GOD, karma, what ever one chooses to believe life is granted by, or by choices we make along the way? I would argue both chance and choice. We all can not be the richest, prettiest, smartest, most cultured or even the healthiest.Life is just a CHOICE to live ones own and unique individual life which is molded and formed by ones choices, casualties, heartbreaks, disasters and joys. Being thankful for that opportunity each day we are able to love and be loved is paramount to human esixtence.
ontinued...
ReplyDeleteHere is a list of people I strive to evolve to in my character and appreciation of what is and what will never be. People I can think of:
1. The man with limbs that are infected to look like trees. He finds joy in the fact that he has removed some of his defect even though his arms and hands are still extremely disfigured. He wishes his mom didn't die before being able to see his transformation. He finds peace in success that is available to him. His success is far from "perfect". To him it is fabulous and elating.
2. The lady with 200 lb legs that refuses to cut them off because they help her be mobile.
3. The lady that is a quadriplegic. Her husband left her, and she constantly has to be on a slant in her wheel chair or she passes out and convulses. Yet, she finds joy in her son and the very limited activities she can do with him.
4. The lady with half a body and how much joy she finds being a mom.
When I look at these people and millions of others with such unimaginable problems which I truly believe I could never live with, I don't feel so sad about; the 30 lbs I put on, the fact that my marriage is far from perfect, the fact that I wish I had a career and I don't, the fact that I see women with girls and I have all men in my house that choose to ignore me in my mind, but the truth is they are just guys and can not be, or do girl things like girls or with a girl's passion. I regret not having a relationship I would like with my dad, or the relationship that I still cry about each night, which was nonexistent with my mother, or the fact that I have chronic depression that I realize I will battle for the rest of my life. Yes, I wish I married someone else that was more like what I think I should have been with. I own that choice it was mine alone. My evolving depends on me realizing things about me, and me in reference to me in relationships with others. I need to become enlightened in how I contribute to the dynamics of those relationships, why did I choose them, evaluate how much do I value them and what can I do to evolve within them. Only in fairytales is life romantic 24/7 and with happy endings that books are written about. I realize now, that fairytales are not documents. They are escapes from what is real. They are stories used as a tool to imagine that which is ideal, but quite unrealistic. If life was meant to be easy we would all be in the "garden of Eden." Maybe even Plato's "Utopia."
Look at Charlie Sheen, or beautiful movie stars like Jen Aniston, all the money and travel and good times and freedom, or exotic encounters does not bring them closer to enlightenment. Enlightenment comes by accepting our choices and our shortcomings and who we have in our life(with the good and the bad) that truly love us. Communication, evolution, redirection, compromise and truly wanting to make it good is part of life. Nothing about relationships is perfect. The only thing perfect about relationships is loving, caring , and not giving up. When you find someone that really loves you, only a fool would let that person go. Isn’t being loved the perfect state of existence. Now loving is another subject. I choose to love those who truly love me. Love is too rare to throw out with the dirty water. Those that truly love us are who will be there when we take our last breath. I love you Maria and I hope that you are there when I take my last breath. Even though I am only 2 years older than you, I proudly say, Love always, from your older sister who always loved you, misses you and wishes you would come home to that which really matters.. US (your family.)
Life is a long road for all peoples, we can not ask our loved one or ones to be different, but we can embrace the characteristics of them that we do enjoy. love is a challenge for all and when you think of giving up you must stop and find a reason you fell in love to begin with, and find a reason you might be able to love them once more. Every human finds a factor of their life that will bring them much joy and also much pain but in the end if you are there to still embrace them , you know the love was true. Through the children, through the careers, through the sex, love and tenderness, through the anger, through the betrayal, through the tears of sadness and the tears of joy;;; whether you call them enlightened or just a woman-man they will know the love is true.
ReplyDeleteAll humans want to be loved and feel loved, the only problem is that many just dont know when they are truly loved, maybe they are to wrapped up in climbing the corporate ladder that many of get lost in, or we could be trying to master the 18 holes on Pebble beach while she is home changing poop diapers for 30 years, maybe she was screwing her husbands friend , and never saw the forest for the trees.
the forest will still be only trees, it cant be a Bhuddist Temple, and it cant be Eiffel Tower, and it cant be Antonio Banderros
the forrest will always be a forest.
But yes the trees are beutiful and vital to life.
our lives are a collage of choices and decisions and commitments and responsibilities, if we maintain a certain level of respect and communication with some joy to go along with the hardships and sadness-------we will have a very fortunate and fruitful life. If you love them -----dont give up on them .
And now to realize this MS has led you to where you can become yourself once more, can only be viewed as a blessing. No one should let an illness rule their life, so for you we are all happy of this step in life, embrace it.
MPTY
"MPTY",
DeleteI don't remember seeing this in 2011. Funny. I just logged in to renamethis blog so I could post writings that have nothing to do with Asia or that particular trip.
Life's journey remains the real adventure – with or without an illness. For me, however, MS rears it's sneaky head forcing me not to grow complacent or forget that the 'trees' are 'vital to life' – to see the joy wrapped within it all. MS can change many things about me, but I can't wish it away for it forces clarity of sorts.
"But yes the trees are beautiful and vital to life.
our lives are a collage of choices and decisions and commitments and responsibilities, if we maintain a certain level of respect and communication with some joy to go along with the hardships and sadness-------we will have a very fortunate and fruitful life." Yes. All you said is true. I agree.
Thank you for your post, MPTY. ;-)
Liked your posting Maria! Very positive outlook!~
ReplyDeleteMaria - This is your sister, Tina, and I will not be "anonymous" as soon as I remember my google password to make a profile! LOL
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOUR BLOG and am so happy for you that in spite of "how crazy" or "impossible" or "scary" it may appear to others - going to Malaysia when you have MS, have a husband and children at home, etc. - I am so happy for you that you made the CHOICE to make the most important journey of all - the journey within, to that place of Truth in the center of your being, where the creative power of God resides. Choice is one of the most important spiritual principals - for Adam and Eve it was the decision of whether or not to eat an apple, for us it marks the difference between a victim and a victor. So again, I say, I am so happy that you chose not to be your MS, but instead to be YOUR truth, which, to me, is an inquisitive person determined to distinguish between the "Reality" and the "illusion."
Lisa mentioned reality, but reality (with a lower case r) is just really our perception of Reality (capital R as in absolute, Creator, God, Source Energy, etc) and how we perceive it is our life experience, and that depends on our emotional filter and blueprint formed and conditioned in our early years. Ex. If you look tired and I insist on driving you home - if your filter deals with control issues, you will experience me as being controlling. If your filter is one of not being seen or appreciated, you will experience my gesture as loving. Same action, two different experiences of it. It is about Spirit/Reality vs. Ego/illusion. The meaning we see in the world is the meaning we give it...Ok, pardon my tangent, that is for another discussion...
Back to your blog: My FAVORITE LINES:
"Now I see that Multiple Sclerosis, a tongue twister of a name, is not me. It’s not even a part of me. It’s just a bothersome challenge that teaches me not to get caught up in the banalities of life and reminds me to be grateful for who I am." LOVE THAT!
(continued in next comment...)
So, I would say to Lisa, you are realizing that what you perceived to be reality - the misery, the why me, the I-wish-I-could-get-out-of-bed this morning, etc - is not your Reality...and that within those experiences, you have a choice on how to perceive them, and it seems to me, you made a choice to stand in your Truth, instead of your illness, and to honor a childhood dream - going to Malaysia; reconnect with your essence - a world traveler, lover of different cultures, people and languages; to have your "bodhisattva" in the form of your dear friend Elizabeth, who lovingly encourages, supports and facilitates your process.....
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, that process is life-long, like peeling an onion, we just go deeper and deeper into ourselves with greater awareness as life presents us with the spiritual curriculum we need in order to learn our lessons, heal our wounds, and eradicate our feelings of unworthiness, all that stuff and crap the egoic mind struggles with...
To Lisa I say - you wrote: The hardest thing in enlightening ones self, in my opinion, is to find peace in absence of that which we desire."
I say, true peace IS the absence of desire - we are at peace when we have full acceptance and realizaton that we are whole and complete just as we are, because God created us that way. It is the Egoic mind that thinks biting the apple will bring it something it needs, that is the illusion! there is no need in Truth/God. If you have a mind, you have an ego, and if you have an ego, you have the same core battles with it as everyone else - it just manifests differently - 50 pounds overweight, or 50 grand in debt, or an alcoholic, or a workaholic, or a shopaholic, or a martyr-aholic, or a people pleaser, or a do gooder who uses those deeds to feel validated, etc....
Much of what you say Lisa resonates, however, I think you missed the point that Maria is saying what those people you admire are saying, she is not allowing herself to be defined by her illness.......(And to get super metaphysical here....disease is just that a dis-ease in our mind, body, sprit alignment - emotions and feelings that get trapped in our energetic body and then in our physical body...but that's another discussion...)
As for what you wrote about Love, Lisa, true love is not conditional, it sounds more like you are saying you will be more discriminating in who you share your energy with (a choice) and establishing healthy boundaries in the relationship, which is important.
And all those measurements you mentioned- richest, prettiest, etc...again is all perception - someone may have more money, but does that make him the richest? Money can't buy happiness, or love, all it can do is make some things easier - but it can't offer the true things that bring joy - money is like a drug - it exacerbates what is already there, if you are miserable and then get money, you are still miserable, just in a bigger house.....I say all that to say, these are all judgments and perceptions the egoic mind has about what is supposed to make us happy....
(continued in next entry...)
Lisa, enlightenment isn't about enduring or dealing with the shit, it is about finding the lesson in the shit and realizing it is just shit, a divine opportunity to go deeper within and ultimately elevate your own consciousness...
ReplyDeleteI have depression, too... and I also have the choice to seek out help - with a therapist, a friend, a book, a seminar, a drug, etc... There has to be the will...and when I get trapped in my own egoic mind tailspins, I must remember that, shift my perspective, look at the situation differently, myself differently, listen to the inner-dialogue and bust it open for the illusion that it is.
I think much of what you write Lisa resonates, however, I think there are also a few glitches that have drastic consequences. I suggest the book - Conscious Loving. Also, I have tried to share this in the past, and I will again, Wonder Woman Weekend at Inner Visions...if you go, I guarantee you, it will support you with the things that you expressed that pain you.
I always describe you to others as my most loving, compassionate and forgiving sister, however, I feel, sometimes all that unprocessed pain makes it difficult for me to access her. And then, of course, like all families, when we trigger each other, we mess up and sabotage the exact thing we are craving from each other - love, understanding, appreciation.
Anyway, to both my sisters, I love you, and what a wild experience for me, reading both of your writings and perspectives, totally cool... if we chose to honestly respect each other and listen, there is major opportunity for personal and familial healing...what a beautiful blessing!
There is more I want to express and I will give myself permission to do so at another time.
Maria, I am happy for you and I am looking forward to when you come home and I can experience you replenished and refreshed as the artistic, creative, awesome expression of Spirit that you are! Woohoo!
Love always,
If not your favorite...then definitely your youngest sister, (LOL!)
Tina
Sisters, I appreciate that you are following my blog and that it has inspired you to comment and discuss. Love you both, Maria
ReplyDeleteTina,
ReplyDeleteI wasn't trying to interpret enlightenment for Maria. My intention was to express what enlightenment means to me. Enlightenment is like religion, it comes in many different translations. What I wrote was mine.
I did not try in any way to assess, or critique Maria's definition.
To me and in my personal and unique opinion enlightenment is self defined and personal.
To each his own.
:o))
Lisa